In 2014 my husband and I had a Theme word…Pivot! The year was crazy, we sold our house, moved into an apartment, less than a week later I moved to North Carolina (from Ohio) by myself to start a new job, moved into a townhouse that had nothing but paper plates and a folding chair. A few months later my husband was able to transfer down, we bought a lot, built a house and moved again. But we did it because we wanted to change the trajectory of our life and the chaos was worth it. We truly love where we live, have good jobs, a great house, friends and it doesn’t fricking snow!
But we left a lot of good things in Ohio. Friends, his son, family. We loved the people but the area depressed us. The weather, the economy, the lack of opportunity in our professions and this feeling like we were in a vicious circle of getting a bit of momentum towards being healthy only to have winter snatch it away from us. SAD is real and it hit both of us really hard EVERY. DAMN. YEAR. Even down here.
We were so happy and so exited when we got here, like we had gained back months of our life every year. We felt like we needed to pinch ourselves on a daily basis. Why are we so lucky to be able to live this life? We started running, we did relay runs, half marathons, fun runs, run groups and made some friends. We posted on Facebook, laughed when it snowed in Ohio and poked some fun at our former home and friends in the winter months. But apparently not everybody laughed.
We lost good friends, my two best friends, and the pain of that cut deep. I pictured going back to Ohio and having brunch with everyone like nothing had changed. I pictured having a “family” reunion (with my friends who were always more my family) in North Carolina. I always pictured my life with the people I left behind and hoped they would be happy for me being in a place that made me so much happier than I was. But one day I went to Facebook and they were gone. And I was crushed. I’m not a girlie girl…far from it. I don’t cry, I curse. I don’t like most women, in fact, I dislike most. So having female friends was a huge rarity in my life. So, over this, I cried. A lot. Often. Full on hyperventilating, sobbing, snot filled sobbing.
But I suck at emotion and I suck at being a girl, so what the hell do you do with emotion like that? I handle it like a guy. Figure it was their decision and I have to respect that, go on with life even though it’s hard. Life is hard. Get over it. “Boo frickin’ hoo, have a drink and get over it.” (That was on a bar towel one of them gave me as a gift.) So I did.
Occasionally, I would trip over a memory, a picture, a Facebook post or something else that would remind me of how much I missed those special friendships and fought back the tears. I even reached out to one when I found out she got engaged, wishing her the best, crying as I typed the message. I got a “Thanks” in return, but didn’t want to turn her happy moment into something about me/us, so I left it at that. Deep down though, I hoped it might lead to more.
We have very few ties to Ohio anymore, my husband’s Dad has a girlfriend (it’s so cute in their 70’s), his son is a rising Senior with little time for, well, anyone 🙂 and my house. Ugh, my house. The seemingly bottomless money pit that I bought just before I met my husband, lived in just over a year and have leased it to others for about 5 years. We are finally selling it, have an offer and as I type the inspections should be happening. This week we should hopefully solidify that sale and remove one more thing that ties us to our home state. Next year his son plans to go to school in NC, so the ties will be even fewer.
Tomorrow is also the wedding of one of those friends, with the other performing the ceremony and I can’t help but feel a hole in my heart.
This year, more than 2014, is when I feel like the Pivot is complete, but not in the way I had hoped. I have no ties to Ohio anymore, no friends down here that even compare to those I used to have. Injuries have plagued me, one is likely permanent, so my goal to use the climate to be more healthy hasn’t worked. I’m heavier than ever, I’m still depressed, and I probably like my bar more than I should.
I found out just recently the reason for the “de-friending” was because they were tired of all of the anti-Ohio type posts. One of my friends reached out to my husband when she saw my house was for sale, they were actually considering it, as they were in the market. It lead to “re-friending” at the urging of my husband. I think I cried for an hour that day. But I still don’t know what to do with it. What do I say, how do I act, is all forgiven or is it just a nicety? I honestly don’t know.
Next week we go back to Ohio to deal with some final issues with my house and we’re supposed to have dinner with the “re-friend” and her husband. I’m somewhat terrified. I don’t do terrified. I do pissed off, anxious, true Aries hard headed tough it out fortitude. But not terrified. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever really be able to get past the pain this caused. Part of me thinks, “Really, I was in your wedding and we’re not friends anymore because I laughed when it snowed in Ohio?”
Anyway, all of this coming to a head at once will make the pivot complete and I guess we find out soon if it includes brunch or not. Brunch is just breakfast with alcohol, but any friend of mine would have it no other way.
Despite it all, sending nothing but the best thoughts up to Ohio as my friend gets married this weekend. I truly hope that she finds lifelong happiness and my other friend makes it through the nuptials without losing her shit.